জড় এক প্রসঙ্গ কাঠামোর নিবিড় পর্যবেক্ষক :P THE BRO CODE is a living document, much like the Constitution. Except instead of outlining a government, or the Bill of Rights, or anything even resembling laws, THE BRO CODE provides men with all the rules they need to know in order to become a bro. About me ARTICLE 1: Bro’s before ho’s -The bond between two men is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, men are stronger than women. That’s just science. ARTICLE 2: A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it. ARTICLE 3: If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown. -Naming a lapdog after a pro wrestler or a character from a steve mcqueen movie does not obsolve a Bro from the spirit of this article. ARTICLE 4: A Bro never divulges the existence of the Bro Code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason…no, not even that reason. -If you are a woman reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math. ARTICLE 5: Whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports. ARTICLE 6: A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room -If a Bro gets naked in the locker room, all other Bros shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while, at the same time, immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage: “If a towel drops to the floor, so should your eyes.” ARTICLE 7: A Bro never admits he can’t drive stick. Even after an accident. ARTICLE 8: A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro. ARTICLE 9: Shold a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as “Gimme three!” or “Wow, quitting your job like that really took alot of ball.” It’s still a high five and that Bro still has allot of balls…metaphorically speaking, of course. ARTICLE 10: A Bro will drop what ever he’s doing to rush to help his Bro dump a chick. -side-Bro: How to dump a chick in six words or less “Maybe try a side salad instead.” “Cute! You’re growing a mustache, too!” “She looks like a younger you.” “I will finance a boob job.” “Sorry I threw out your shoes.” “Your sister let me do that.” ARTICLE 11: A Bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furniture. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bro retain the right to leave his possessions where they are-in most cases, stuck in a doorway. ARTICLE 12: Bros do not share desert. ARTICLE 13: All Bros shall dub one of their Bros wingman. ARTICLE 14 :If a chick inquires about another Bro’s sexual history, a Bro shall honor the Brode of Silence and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are stupid than to tell the truth. ARTICLE 15: A Bro never dances with his hands above his head. ARTICLE 16: A Bro should be able, at any time, to recite the following reigning champions: Super Bowl, World Series, and Playmate of the Year. ARTICLE 17: A Bro shall be kind and courteos to his co-workers, unless they are beneath him on the pyramid of screaming. ARTICLE 18: If a Bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any axcess monies accrued after convassing the group. -To avoid confrontation, it’s a good idea for the bro to jettison the receipt before returning to the party. ARTICLE 19: A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro’s sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, “Dude, sister’s hot!” ARTICLE 20: A Bro respects his Bros in the military because they’ve selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday. ARTICLE 21: A Bro never shares observations about another Bro’s smoking hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying, “She’s smoking-hot, huh?” a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he’s the only one who should be baiting. ARTICLE 22: There is no law that prohibits a woman from bing a Bro. – Women make excellent Bros. Why? Because they can translate and navigate the confusing and contradictory whims that compise the chick code. ARTICLE 23: When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women’s athletics, and on some occasions, surgery programs. ARTICLE 24: When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’clock. Al other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped. ARTICLE 25: A Bro doesn’t let another Bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girl’s name. – The average relationship between a man and a woman lasts eighty-three days. The relationship between a man and his skin lasts a lifetime and must be nurtured, because as we all know, the skin is the largest and second most important organ a man has. ARTICLE 26: Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cell phone on his belt clip. ARTICLE 27: A Bro never removes his shirt in front of other Bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach. ARTICLE 28: A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existance of a girl fight. – A Bro must, in a timely manner, communicate the possibility of fisticoffs between two humans of the female variety (Henceforth “girl fight”), in an effot to make possibleand probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A “timely manner” is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro’s viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, carrier piggions, fiber optics, shouting, postcards, and telepathy. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video, or, barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime. ARTICLE 29: If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 PM. Also, despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags. ARTICLE 30: A Bro doesn’t comparison shop. ARTICLE 31: When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the hottest chick first because you never know. ARTICLE 32: A Bro doesn’t allow another Bro to get married until he’s at least thirty. ARTICLE 33: When in a public restroom, a Bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, “What is this, a chicks’s restroom?” if there are more than two dudes waiting to wee; and (3) attempts to shoot his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball…rebounding is optional. ARTICLE 34: Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil’s threeway. ARTICLE 35: A Bro never rents a chick flick. ARTICLE 36: When questioned in the company of women, a Bro always decries fake breasts. ARTICLE 37: A Bro is under no obligation to open the door for anyone. If women insist of having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they’re not that heavy. ARTICLE 38: Even in a fight to the death, a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin. ARTICLE 39: When a Bro gets a chick’s number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her. ARTICLE 40: Should a Bro become stricken with engagment, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as “a bachelor party.” ARTICLE 41: A Bro never cries Exeptions: Watching Field of Dreams, E.T., or a sports legend retire. (applies only to the first time he retires.) ARTICLE 42: Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or Bro hug, but never a full embrace. ARTICLE 43: A Bro loves his country, unless that country is america. ARTICLE 44: A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro Exception: If the Bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator. ARTICLE 45: A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club. Why? 1. Cloth pockets are roomier and more elastic, allowing for a thicker wad of cash. 2. Denim clashes with a club’s leopard, zebra, or other other safari animal motif. 3. One word, two syllables, three hours in the ER: zipper. 4. It’s a performance and deserves respect. These erotic dancers have practiced tirelessly on a technically demanding piece of choreographed art. Would you wear dungarees to a ballet? (Trick question. Bros don’t watch ballet.) 5. You don’t feel it as much on the kazoo. ARTICLE 46: If a Bro is seated next to some dude who’s stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 Dresses. See Artical 35. ARTICLE 47: A Bro never wears pink. Not even in Europe. ARTICLE 48: A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he’s banged. ARTICLE 49: When asked, “Do you need some help?” a Bro shall automatically respond, “I got it,” whether or not he’s actualy got it. Exeptions: Carrying an expencive TV, parallel parking an expensive car, loading an expensive TV into an expensive car. ARTICLE 50: If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro’s undercarriage with his arm while walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happend. ARTICLE 51: A Bro checks out another Bro’s blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down. ARTICLE 52: A Bro is never required to remember another Bro’s birthday, though a phone call every now and again probably wouldn’t kill him. ARTICLE 53: Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice. ARTICLE 54: A Bro is required to go out with his Bros on St. Patty’s day and other official Bro holidays, including Halloween, New Years Eve, and Desperation Day (February 13). ARTICLE 55: Even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a Bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another Bro. ARTICLE 56: A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/Chick Ratio at a party falls between 1:1. However, to avoid Broflation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio. ARTICLE 57: A Bro never reveals the score of a sporting game to another Bro unless that Bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it. ARTICLE 58: A Bro doesn’t grow a mustache. Exception: When shaving, it’s more than okay for a Bro to keep the whiskers around his mouth until the end so that he might temporarily experiment with different facial hair configurations Exception: Tom Selleck. ARTICLE 59: A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless it’s out of state or, like, crazy expensive -When is bail crazy expensive? Crazy expencive bail>(years you’ve been Bros) x $100. ARTICLE 60: A Bro shal honor thy father and mother, for they were once Bro and chick. However, a Bro never thinks of them in that capacity. ARTICLE 61: If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows -Chicks seem to think annual events other than Mardi Gras, the NFL Draft, and the day the swimsuit edition comes out are worthy of celebration. I don’t know why, either, but I do know if you become involved with a woman for more than a the occasional toss in the hay (which is expressly not advised), you’ll need to be able to recall certain days of the year with relative accuracy. ARTICLE 62: In the event that two Bros lock on the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the same number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they havn’t purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. If they’re the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spell be equal length, a game of discreet Broshamboo* shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there. *Rock, paper, scissors for Bros. ARTICLE 63: A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection. -Brotection forms a central pillar–or, more acurately, a latex coating for the central pillar–of the Bro way of life. While a Bro is not legally or fiscally responsible for any repercussions of failing to provide protection, it’s not uncommon for a Bro to experience pangs of guilt after a fellow Bro becomes infected with a dissease, many of which can last an entire lifetime, like when a Bro contracts children. ARTICLE 64: A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the latter Bro’s favorite sports team in a playoff scenario. ARTICLE 65: A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among Bros. Exception: A Bro is off the hook if his Bro orders a drink that arrives with an umbrella in it. ARTICLE 66: If a Bro suffers pain due to permanent dissolution of a relationshp with a lady friend, his Bro shall offer no more than a “that sucks , man” and popious quantities of beer. To eliminate the possibility of any akward moments in the future, his Bro shall also refrain from any pejorative commentary –deserved or not–regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when requisite backslide window has fully closed. ARTICLE 67: Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out he is a tool. ARTICLE 68: If a Bro be on a hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own personal records, the missing of work, or, if necessary, generating a realistic frear that the end of the world is imminent Exeptions: Dry spell trumps hot streak. ARTICLE 69: Duh. ARTICLE 70: A Bro will drive anoter Bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. He is not expected to be on time, help with luggage, or inquire about his Bro’s trip or general well-being. ARTICLE 71: As courtesy to Bros the world over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to a party Three Bros are Cool -three amigos -Three musketeers -The police -Apollow 13 astronauts -three stooges (exeption: Hanson) Four Bros are lame -Mount rushmore -The fantastic Four -the monkees -Olympic bobsled team -Micheal jordan’s teamates (exeption: the beatles) ARTICLE 72: A Bro never spell checks. ARTICLE 73: When a group of Bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual of jockeying to pay the bill, regardless of affordability. When the group ultimately decides to divide the check, each Bro shall act upset rather than enormously relieved. ARTICLE 74: At a red light, a Bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumber of the car in front of him, and then immediately honks his horn when the light turns green. That way, if another Bro is several cars behind, he’ll have a better chance of making it through the intersextion before the light turns red again. ARTICLE 75: A Bro automaticaly enhances another Bro’s job description when introducing him to a chick. – Chicks like to stretch the truth about their age, promiscuity, and sometimes–with the help of extensive makeup and structural lingerie–even their body shape. As such, it’s fair game for Bros to exaggerate reality when asked about their Brofession. It’s also smart: a Bro’s career is to a chick what a chicks boobs are to a Bro. ARTICLE 76: If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and ,for whatever reason, desires to say “I love you,” he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic, Berry White-esque tone. ARTICLE 77: Bros don’t cuddle. ARTICLE 78: A Bro shal never rack jack* his wingman. *To steal your wingman’s chick. Big-time no-no -To commemorate and solidify the unbreakable bond between Bro and wingman, it is recommended that before going out, each face the other, place his left hand on The Bro Code, raise his right hand, and recites the Wingman Pledge. The Wingman Pledge I shall uphold the Bro Code to the fullest of my ability I will never allow my wingman to go home with less than a six. I agree to swap rounds of drinks with my wingman, even if I keep getting stuck paying for shots. I will never rack jack my wingman, no matter how hot the chick. I pledge to never leave a wingman behind when invited to a party. If my wingman meets a hot chick with an ugly friend, I will ‘jump on the grenade’. If my wingman gets rejected by a chick, I shall unequivocally agree that she sucked anyway, even if I thought she seemed kind of cool and interesting. Should my wingman strike up a conversation with a chick of a questionable legal age, I will endeavor to ascertain and verify her birth of date. If I discover evidence that my wingman’s chick is in a relationship, I shall make that information available to him, unless it’s pretty clear the boyfriend /husband isn’t there. I shall honor and respect the dibs system. ARTICLE 79: At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall lightheartedly pretend he’s not horrified at the thought of being the next one to drop before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots* *Open bar only -If a Bro’s date should catch the bouquet, he shall act excited (if he wishes to sleep with her ever again) before scurrying to the bar to join the garter Bro for a very stiff drink and/or shots. ARTICLE 80: A Bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle*, short of completing the tricycle himself. Rules for Riding the Tricycle 1. The aggregate age of all three participants shall not exceed eighty-three years. 2. The aggregate weight of all three participants shall be less than 400 pounds/181.44kg. 3. No money or other considerations may be exchanged for services rendered. 4. Pregnant woman shall consult with their physician before riding the tricycle.5. No wheel of the tricycle shall be within three branches of another’s family tree. 6. No black-soled sneakers 7. Female participants shall refrain from destroying the illusion that this is new to them. 8. Kitchen appliances and other electrical devices are strictly forbidden. 9. Participants must shower before riding the tricycle, and definitely after. ARTICLE 81: A Bro always leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros. ARTICLE 82: If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to ‘take it back’ or ‘apologize’ to make amends. That’s inhuman. ARTICLE 83: A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever, ever ‘love’ thy neightbor. In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker Exeptions – Co-worker is an eight or better – You are co-worder’s superior – Co-worker dresses a little slutty – Getting fired from job not such a bad thing – Company recently sued for sexual harassment–unlikely to happen again – Someone makes a bet that you can’t – You are switching floors soon – You and co-worker get stuck in elevator -You hit the emergency button and get ’stuck’ in the elevator with co-worker – Co-worker going to be fired, or soon will be, after you sabotoge co-worker’s files -You mixed it up with co-worker before becomming co-workers – Co-worker hits on you – You are in a little bit of a rut, romantically speaking – Co-worker going through divorce – Co-worker looking pretty good lately – Co-worker not offended when you ‘accidentally’ e-mail provocative pictures of self to office. ARTICLE 84: A Bro shall stop whatever he’s doing and watch Die Hard if it’s on TV. -Ditto The Shawshank Redemption -Also Top Gun, The Big Lebowski, and the first half of Full Metal Jacket. ARTICLE 85: If a Bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his Bros. -His Bros are required to whistle, even if they have no idea what they’re whisting at. ARTICLE 86: When a Bro meets a chick, he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale before pursuing her. ARTICLE 87: A Bro never questions another Bro’s stated golf score, maximum bench press, or height. He can, however, ask the Bro to prove it, traditionally in the form of a wager. ARTICLE 88: If a Bro, for whatever reason, must drive another Bro’s car, he shall not adjust the preprogrammed radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position, even if this last requirment results in the Bro trying to drive the vehicle as a gaint praying mantis would. ARTICLE 89: A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro. – When out and about, you must be prepared to affirm anything a Bro tells a chick. ‘Yes, he’s single.’ ‘Yes, we’re Navy SEALs.’ ‘Yes, he invented Facebook.’ While this usually entails a stretching the truth about personal wealth, athletic prowess, or the ability to operate various aircraft, on occation you’ll be required to pretend you’re from out of town. If you can stomach dressing up like someone’s dad, pretending to be a tourist in your own hometown is a great way to score chicks…if you’re ready with a believable backstory. ARTICLE 90: A Bro shows up at another Bro’s party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. So if a Bro plans on chugging a six-pack, he shall bring a six-pack plus at least one can of beer. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, thougth etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is looking. ARTICLE 91: If a group of Bros suspect that their Bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they shall rally to call him by an adjecent yet more demeaning nickname. ARTICLE 92: A Bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance. -To maintain the purity of such a beautiful, impersonal, and vapid relationship, a Bro never becomes emotionally attached to his booty call. ARTICLE 93: Bros don’t speak french to one another. ARTICLE 94: If a Bro is in the bathroom and runs out of toilet paper, another Bro may toss him a new roll, but at no point may their hands touch or the door open more than 30 degrees. ARTICLE 95: A Bro shall alert another Bro to the presence of a chesty woman, regardless of wether or not he knows the Bro. Such alerts may not be administered verbally. ARTICLE 96: Bros shall go camping once a year, or at least attempt to start a fire -Attempt to start a fire outside. ARTICLE 97: Where a Bro went to college is going to kick his Bro’s college’s ass all over the field this weekend. ARTICLE 98: A Bro never lies to his Bros about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or event. -Side-Bro: The Bro who Cried ‘Hot Chicks’ There once lived a Bro who would text his Bros: ‘Hot chicks in the bar tonight” When his Bros would arrive to wingman him, he would laugh at them for there were no hot chicks, just, like, a lot of dudes or something. The Bro did this a couple of times because he thought it was hysterical–and it kind of is– until one night he walked into the bar to discover a Hawaiian Tropic calendar shoot taking place. The Bro texted his Bros in terror: “Dudes, seriously need a wingman right now…hot-chick calendar shoot!”. But this time his Bros paid no heed to his cry, nor did they leave their video game marathon to assist him. The Bro tried to score at a bikini babe on his own, but with no wingman, he was torn to pieces by the entire flock. There is no believing a Bro who lies about hot chicks, even when he speaks the truth. ARTICLE 99: A Bro never asks for directions when lost. Exceptions: -A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick who seems to know the area. -A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if she also appears lost. -A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if he’s not lost at all. ARTICLE 100: When pulling up to a spotlight, a Bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his music selection -If there happens to be a hot chick driving the car next to the Bro, the Bro shall pull his sunglasses down to get a better look. If he’s not wearing his sunglasses, he will first put them on, then pull them down to get a better look. ARTICLE 101: If a Bro asks another Bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave.* This is what makes them Bros, not chicks. * And beyond, if the Bro discovers there is indeed life after death. -A woman’s lust for gossip is matched only by her passion to have babies and accessorize. As such, a Bro should take heed when divulging a secret to a married Bro. ARTICLE 102: A Bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman. ARTICLE 103: A Bro never wears socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footgear plan and sticks with it. ARTICLE 104: The mom of a Bro is always off-limits. But the stepmom of a Bro is fair game if she initiates and/or is wearing at least one article of leopart print clothing…provided she looks good in it…but not if she smokes menthol cigarettes. ARTICLE 105: If a Bro not invited to another Bro’s wedding, he doesn’t make a big deal out of it, even if, let’s face it, he was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already picked the perfect wedding gift and everything. It’s cool. No big whoop. ARTICLE 106: Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his Bros, a Bro always selects the largest size available or shall never bear the end of it that night. ARTICLE 107: A Bro never leaves another Bro hanging. -Besides the obvious health hazards inherent in keeping an arm aloft for an extended period of time, the emotional effects of leaving a Bro out to dry in public can be devastating. If you ever see a Bro, even one you don’t know, looking around frantically wiht a paw held high in the air, throw him a Brone and hit him up top. ARTICLE 108: If a Bro forgets a guys name, he may call him ‘bra,’ ‘dude,’ or ‘man,’ but never ‘Bro.’ ARTICLE 109: When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall purse their lips and flex their bicepts while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective ranking to the contrary. ARTICLE 110: If a Bro is hitting it off with a chick, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome. ARTICLE 111: If a Bro discovers another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his email, the Bro will sign out for him, but only after sending a few angry e-mails to random contacts and then deleting the sent messages. ARTICLE 112: A Bro doesn’t sing along to music in a bar. Exception – A Bro may participate in karaoke Exception to No chick songs. ARTICLE 113: A Bro abides by the accepted age-difference formula when pursuing a younger chick Acceptable Age-Difference formula x < y/2+7 - x= chick’s age; y= Bro’s age -This formula limits crafty old-timers from scooping up all the younger hotties, while also preventing Bros from seeing a crusty old man with a hot chick and being forced to imagine them getting it on in their adjustable bed. ARTICLE 114: If a Bro must crash on his Bro’s couch for an extended period of time, he shal offer to split the cost of toilet paper and cable bill if said period exceeds two weekks. If he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer than two months, he shall steam clean the couch or have it incinerated, which ever is more applicable. ARTICLE 115: A ‘clothing optional’ beach doesn’t really mean ‘clothing optional ‘ for Bros. ARTICLE 116: A Bro shall not kill another Bro or a Bro’s chances to score with a chick. -Every Bro is endowed with a right of life and a right to pursue hot chicks. Violating either of these God-given rights is a heinous offense that could result in the strictest penalty reconized in the Bro Code: loss of permanent shotgun status. ARTICLE 117: A Bro never willingly relinquishes possession of a remote control. If another bro desires a channel change, he may verbally request one or engage in the fool’s errand of getting up to manually change the channel. -It is fully expected a Bro will try anything to gain possession of the remote, up to and including an attempt to flatulently smoke his Bro(s) out of the room. ARTICLE 118: When a Bro is with his Bros, he is not a vegetarian. ARTICLE 119: When three Bros must share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for any Bro to put his arm around another Bro to increase space. Likewise, it is unacceptable for two Bros to share a motorcycle, unless said motorcycle is equipped with a sidecar…a Brotorcycle. ARTICLE 120: A Bro always calls another Bro by his last name Exception – If a Bro’s last name is also a racial epithet. ARTICLE 121: Even if he’s never skied before, a Bro doesn’t trifle with the bunny slope. -If a Bro experiences a catastrophic wipeout, he can always blame his bindings or the ‘conditions.’ ARTICLE 122: A Bro is always psyched. Always. Classic ‘Get Psyched Songs’ -‘You Give Love A Bad Name’- Bon Jovi.‘I Wanna Rock’ - Twisted Sister. ‘The Humpty Dance' - Digital Underground. ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ - Journey. ‘You’re The Best Around’ - Joe Esposito.‘Lick It Up’ - Kiss. ‘Paradice City’ - Guns 'n’ Roses. ‘Tom Sawyer’ - Rush.‘The Transformers Theme’ - Vince Dicola with Optimus Prime. ‘Dancing With Myself’ - Billy Idol. ‘Rock You Like A Hurricane’ - Scorpions.‘Come Sail Away’ - Styx. ‘Free Bird’ (second half only) - Lynyrd Skynyrd. ‘Panama’ - Van Halen.‘Jessie’s Girl’ - Rick Springfield. 'Talk Dirty To Me’ - Poison. 'Thunderstruck’ AC/DC.‘High Enough’ - Damn Yankees. ‘Hip Hop Hooray' - Naughty By Nature. ‘Dr. Feelgood’ - Motley Crue.’Round And Round’ - Ratt. ARTICLE 123: Two Bros shall maintian at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor. even when reenacting the knife fight from ‘beat it‘ which, I guess, two Bros shouldn’t do anyway, or at least not very often. ARTICLE 124: If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while Browling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself. ARTICLE 125: If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in the Bro Train, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke. ARTICLE 126: In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no. ARTICLE 127: A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous neight, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying ‘i love you, man’ to all his Bros. ARTICLE 128: A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination, or sports team. Even in a laundry emergency, it’s preferred that a Bro go out half naked rather than violate this code…half naked from the waist up, naturally. ARTICLE 129: If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of lawn machinery, he has not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him. ARTICLE 130: If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffic accident, he must first ask what type of car he collided with and whether it got totaled before asking if his Bro is okay. ARTICLE 131: While a Bro is not expected to know exactly how to change a tire, he is required to at least drag out the jack and stare at the flat for a while. If he needs to consult the car’s ownership manual to locate the jack, he shall do so from inside the car, where he is not visible to passersby and where he can discreetly call a tow truck, after which it is recommended that he hid the jack by the side of the road so he’ll have a legitimate excuse when the tow truck arrives. ARTICLE 132: If a Bro decides to let all of his Bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to the wedding, even if this directly violates the wishes of his fiancee and results in a ‘no sex’ penalty or whatever lame domestic punishment couples might employ. -A bride thinks of her wedding day as the happiest day of her life. A groom thinks of his wedding day as the saddest: his marriage signifies the death of Broing out with his Bros. But there’s a simple way for the groom to send his Bros out with a bang…bridesmaids. Squeezed into ugly identical dresses, bridesmaids have one goal: to get out of them. Studies have shown that a cocktail of jealousy, Bros in formal wear, and well, cocktails make a bridesmaid one of the most accessible chicks on the planet. ARTICLE 133: A Bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other Bro. Exeption: “Pull my finger” ARTICLE 134: A Bro is entitled to use a woman as his wingman. – Since the dawn of man, Bros have spoken in hushed tones about a wingman with powers so awesome, one wink could summon a dozen hotties to your side. I’m speaking, of course, about the ‘wingwoman’. Think of it–if your wingman already knows what women want to hear, isn’t that an advantage far greater than having a lot of money, a full head of hair, or even a speedboat? Yes, and the best part is that wingwomen do exist. To acquire one, though, you’ll need to overcome the sexist misconceptions that so often scare chicks away from helping Bros bang other chicks. ARTICLE 135: If a scenario arises in which a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot: 1. foot race to the car 2. silent auction, or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles, 3. a no-holds-barred cage match to the death. ARTICLE 136: When interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a Bro shall offer nothing more than an uninterested ‘it was ok.’ -A Bro never brings a camera to a bachelor party. The only memento a Bro is allowed to bring home from a bachelor party is one that can only be destroyed by penicillin. ARTICLE 137: When hosting, a Bro orders enough pizza for all his Bros. ARTICLE 138: A real Bro doesn’t laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin. Exeption: unless he doesn’t know the guy. ARTICLE 139: Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that yes, ‘Broadway’ begins with ‘Bro.’ ARTICLE 140: A Bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes for a date. The Lemon Law The Lemon Law is a little-known dating loophole that allows a Bro to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. How many times has a Bro set you up with a blind date who winds up looking like the unmasked predator? Now, with the Lemon Law, you no longer need to sit through that kind of torture or waste any of the Predator’s time. Simply present your date with a Lemon Law card, and you’re out the door. ARTICLE 141: A Bro can only get a manicure if (a) he’s trying to sleep with the hot asian woman performing the manicure, or (b) it’s been longer than a month since last manicure. It’s called the Bro Code, not the Slob Code. ARTICLE 142: A Bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his Bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face. ARTICLE 143: When executing a high five, a Bro is forbidden from intertwining fingers or grasping his Bro’s hand. ARTICLE 144: It is unacceptable for two Bros to share a hotel bed without first exhausting all couch, cot, and pillows-on-floor combinations. If it’s still unavoidable, they shall prevent any incidental spoonage by arm wrestling* to determine who sleeps under the covers. Once decided, each Bro shall don as many lower layers as possible from silently first bumping the other good night. *Not on the bed. ARTICLE 145: A Bro is never offended if another Bro fails to return a phone call, text, or e-mail in a timely fashion. ARTICLE 146: A Bro refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to his Bro – Providing graphic detail when describing a sexual feat unconsciously forces your Bros to picture you naked… and there’s no coming back from that. ARTICLE 147: If a Bro sees another Bro get into a fight, he immediately has his Bro’s back. Exeptions: -If his Bro has picked a fight with a scary-looking guy. -If this is the third fight (or more) his Bro has gotten into that week. -If the Bro has a note from a physician exusing him from having anybody’s back. ARTICLE 148: A Bro doesn’t listen to chick music…in front of other Bros. When alone, a Bro may listen to, say, a Sarah McLachlan album or two, but only to gain valuable insights into the female psyche, not because he finds her melodies tragically haunting yet curiously uplifting at the same time. ARTICLE 149: A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars. ARTICLE 150: No sex with your Bro’s ex. -It is never, ever permissible for a Bro to sleep with his Bro’s ex. Violating this code is worse than killing a Bro.