Even my favourite playlist have failed to cheer me up summing up to the fact that I am genuinely upset, no matter how hard I am trying to ignore it. Sigh....I wasn't expecting to get into this dispute that I got myself tangled into this early and nor was I prepared to discover that I still couldn't get over the traumatic experiences taking place almost four years back. I am now confused what bothers me more...the dispute or the fact that I haven't healed yet. Well,, I never believed in the myth that time is the greatest healer. It simply isn't. It makes you stronger but it never heals any wound , at least it is true in my case. What bothers me is that time didn't make me strong yet. The memories still are well-capable to shake me to the core when I am reminded of 'em. Like now my whole mood is ruined, all the memories are rushing back to me, the memories that I want to forget at any cost, the memories that won't let me go to sleep. The worst part, I was reminded of these memories when I was having a good time and the moment it hit my head, I couldn't enjoy the present anymore. My head started whirling, I was desperate to escape from whatever seemed so pleasant just a while back. It is not the first time I faced this. I can't live in the present for what I have gone through in the past. I have excelled in every sector of my life. Hardly any 23 year old achieves what I have achieved so far but still I couldn't beat the trauma I underwent. Not yet at least. I feel like I lost to the trauma by letting myself being trapped in those memories and yet I can't just get over them even after four long years. It burns me, my self-esteem, my ego, my pride and most importantly it torments me intensely. Even the fact that now that I am writing all these are like me losing to myself. I wonder how long I gotta have my mental peace mortgaged to these nightmares for not being strong four years back, for not being able to resist whatever were involved. I am not sure how long I will have to be paying for the crime of being soft and vulnerable. Damn you girl, damn you.....