Today is your lucky day. You just scored the digits of your second hottest prospect on OKCupid and you're ready to start scheduling actual dates.
But don't start tapping away at that touchscreen just yet. Don't you know there are rules to this sort of thing? I mean, you wouldn't simply text someone you like and want to see again, would you? You might come off as desperate or clingy or, worse, like you're actually interested. Every texting move you make needs to be carefully planned so you don't totally embarrass yourself and die.
See also: 15 Dating Tips From 'Game of Thrones'
Never you fear, young Casanova. Consider this your guide to relationship texting etiquette. But please, don't follow these rules for face-to-face conversation. (I've never gotten past texting; I actually have no idea what real dating is like.)
Trust me on this. If you get a well-typed, thoughtful paragraph about her bad day or his dinner suggestions, the most impactful response is a nice "k." Or "cool." Or how about "ha." That one always works.
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The one-word answer is akin to the smile and nod in face-to-face conversation. It recognizes the person is talking, but allows you the freedom to completely zone out and instead focus on what's important to you.
The worst thing that could ever happen is to give her a whiff of how desperate you are for this date. When she sends you a text like "What are you doing today?", wait an hour to respond so it seems like you're accomplishing something really impressive instead of sitting on the couch. She'll immediately conjure images of you practicing your latest ballad on your guitar or volunteering at a soup kitchen — you know, something super fly.
If she waits an hour to respond to your text, then she's obviously really important. You should wait two hours to prove you're more important and busy than she is. Apply this ratio to every text. If simple conversations take days, you're doing it right.
This is also particularly effective in situations where the other person might be concerned for your emotional or physical well-being. Sending messages like "we need to talk" with no follow-up for hours is a good way to keep her anticipating your next move.
Every couple is different, and the waiting game doesn't always pay off as planned. If your boo isn't responding as quickly as you'd like, send him three or four more messages to make sure he's for sure getting your messages/hasn't died in a car crash. The longer he doesn't respond, assume the worst. Then make sure to communicate panic in your responses. Obviously something is wrong. Why wouldn't he respond to you right away? There's no possible explanation.
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Ever. This is imperative. What, do you want to be the one who is always putting the most effort into the relationship? Do you want to always give 100% and only get 50% back? Of course you don't. You deserve better. You deserve a partner who cares. You deserve the first text every day.
Even though you've got at least an hour to craft each response to perfection (if you're following rule No. 2 correctly), your responses should seem as rushed and hurried as possible. You don't have time to spell things correctly — you're busy volunteering at the soup kitchen, remember?
Remove unnecessary letters and words from your post. Vowels in particular are easy to cut. The key is to look as illiterate as possible, while still appearing to have some semblance of how words work.
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For example, an appropriate response to the question, "What are you doing tonight?" would be: "hdd 2 br w bros." Notice there are several possible meanings here. Are you headed to the bar with the bros? Did you have two beers with your bros? Are you advertising a two-bedroom apartment with your male roommates? Keep her guessing; it makes you mysterious.
This is important: Don't call someone you're just casually texting, and don't ever call someone who first texted you. What are you going to do next, propose marriage? It's way too soon for voice-to-voice communication.
"But wouldn't it be so much easier to arrange this with a five-minute phone call instead of a three-day texting conversation?" you ask. Of course it would. But it's 2013. These options just aren't available to you anymore. Image: Tumblr, mindythings
Just like real life, people like it when you validate their good sense of humor, so give a hearty "BAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA" each time he says something mildly amusing. Alternate by throwing in a few "lols" or a "rofl" just to prove you're an equal opportunity acronym user.
You know what? Forget we said all this. Respond to all of his jokes and your own with a solid "he he." It says, "I'm playful and mischievous and not creepy at all."
Punctuation signifies the difference between nice texting and rude texting. You should always, always, always include multiple exclamation points at the end of positive responses. How else can you ensure the recipient knows you really are excited about her choice of restaurant?
If you're upset with your mate, a period at the end of a short response will assure her you mean business. Add commas, quotation marks and other confusing markings if you seek a more literary vibe. Don't use semicolons. No one knows how semicolons actually work.
If you fear the punctuation mark is making you seem too eager, replace it with an emoticon. Emoticons are the best and if you don't use them and instead rely on the power of the written language to attempt to convey emotions like poets have done for thousands of years, then you're a soulless machine.
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And there you have it, you would-be romantics of the world, your fool-proof guide to romantic texting etiquette. Now get out there and make 'em swoon.
Editor's note: Don't follow any advice in this post. Ever. Dating is hard enough as is. Stop overthinking texting. Stop overthinking dating. Just stop it. It's supposed to be fun.
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