একা বড় একা not aware with the feeling what fearless might be ... I guess I just have to ...just have to be I hate society ... mainly the reason why I don't want to be a part of it is this reason ... it didn't came in one day ... slowly I'm building up to be a inhuman creature what can't understand a thing that happens surrounding him ... days have made me to build rage that makes me want to kill people ... did you see dexter? I almost know if he was real how he might have felt having those urges to kill people ... there is also some hatred of my utmost core in my heart with all these urges ... which makes me not to be human ... or atleast not what society produces ... how can I take an oath when I clearly don't know what's gonna come with it? Slowly I'm dying inside ... atleast the human is dying ... everyone is breathing doesn't mean they are living ... just taking breathe in and out doesn't make us human ... society makes us human ... people surrounding us makes us human ... talking sharing laughs jokes makes us human ... but again back to ground zero where I started ... I hate society ... I never want to be a part of it ... I don't wanna get married ... wont have kids or anything ... this has helped me create a me who is less dirty about the whole sex thing .... I hate the idea of people always thinking about it ... like you see a girl and you say not always with mouth that, wow what tits she got or what an ass? I hate this ... if you are willing to think like this always according to my calculation you are going to wind up being a self centered man with lot of shit inside that can't get out ... you will burst ... maybe you will become an addict ... maybe you'll suicide ... whatever it might be ... its never good so I hate it ... I never plan on regenerating for that matter I will never get married at least being 20 it still feels like I am not going to ... I see other guys, wowed by the slightest idea of sex... they watch porn they do masturbate twice a day ... I am not saying in todays world that you can't watch porn or you can't masturbate ...you shall do it so that in outer shell of our face which is visible with society doesn't mess you up with thinking about sex ... you surely can masturbate or watch porn but the thing that you always have to bear in mind that your dirty mind should not affect society ... you have to keep it to yourself what you do ..for that you can't do anything that interacts with the people of the society ... and lookie we are back again at society that society matters ...society always mattered ... you can't always do what you feel like doing because of it ... but what if the god inside us dies and we start to? its not like I don't want to affect society but the feeling is that what gurrantee do I have that my family will be a good one ... day by day seeing life seeing things seeing truth unfold like everything else was a lie I realised that I can't take the pain that by slightest mistake I will allow to generate like a wild fire ... suddenly I am all talking about society and shit right? Truth is I am always thinking about these things which has made a different person than I should have been ... again I can blame society and its people for this ... we are dirty we think dirty we do dirty we talk dirty we walk dirty we dress up dirty ... how are we supposed to get the fairness from? Life is mysterious thing ... to my understanding there is one only god ... don't know why but our thinking allows us to think a creator whatever we see ... lets say we say a machine someone built it ..we see iphone dead meat steve jobs made it and you get the idea that I am trying to incept in your mind ... while thinking always of a creator whenever we see something in front of us to not think that there is no god messes our mind up so we are born to be integrated with the idea of a god and to think that world itself was created seems sheer bullshit to our mind ... lets say that there is god ... in our understanding there is ... so god created this universe or whatever god likes to call it ... god gave us choices ... choices of two ... doing good or doing bad ... choice is ours yes it is .. god made it so .. according to every religion there is afterworld what comes after death and apocalypse ... now when we chose to do this or that our fucking society is also affected by it right? What choice do they have? Say I do something bad really bad ... whole society gets affected or say for a fact that my family or some members are affected? What choices do they have to revert it? Or say make it right?what did they do to be living with the hatred of the dirty shit that i have in my mind?what will make them recover the disbelief that I put on their brains? Life our fucking life doesn't give us a choice truly we just have to live ... and from this point I start to think what dangerous creatures can I make just out of making family ... that's why I hate the idea yeah I said it thrice .. I will say it again ... I hate the fucking idea of regeneration, marriage, family , sex everything .... even whatever I say truth is sex is inevitable... if there is god ... god wanted us to regenerate ... god made us with the inevitable want of having sex ... that's why we see something that attracts we just can't help it ... whatever you might do to stop it you can't ... your dick will strengthen if you see sexy if you think sex... now my point becomes a lot closer to what I wanted to state at first ... just the rush of sex can make us do bad things ... terrible things ... things nobody thinks could exist ... but it did ... if you don't get what I am saying you might want to watch VOLVER a movie starring penelope cruz ... you might see a monster that can live in us which is accelerated by the force of our sperms that live in our testicle which is a part of our dick ...our manhood, some shit huh?might say thats just a movie bitch...but have I seen people like this with my eye??? There comes a point where we become senseless of what we are going to do or what might come with it? What can it do to others ... at that point we have two choices ... one becomes the monster or he wont if he wishes ... but who is there to stop him? There is conscience...but how can a broken conscience that has never been tried to build up can take the right decision ... we have father mother as our first ... but how many of them really do try to make us human? Is becoming or making human that a hard? If so why did the get married and took the fucking responsibility ? I am getting all hyped up about this I know ..but you should know why I am saying this ... because I never think that I will have that kind of responsibility that can vest me to create a good family regenerate better human ... seeing all what I have seen in my little life has made me realize that I became too much inhuman to be that person who my dad is ... everyone does mistake, every fucking one ... god doesn't at least we like the idea of him not making mistakes because if god made mistakes where does it leave us in this world? I in my heart always wanted to have a little girl as my daughter when I grow up...but what I have seen has made me realize that I will be putting her into grave danger just by donating some white sperms to a woman who might or might not know how to grow a child how to make a child build conscience how to make child know right or wrong ... I just can't take the risk ... I just can't ... If you have some debate on my thinking then you can shut the fuck up .. thank you! if I get blocked for using offensive words, it really doesn't matter that much!